Tuesday, April 3, 2012

Truth in Advertising

Hello my lovelies and Happy Belated 2012. Please know that you have all been deeply missed whilst I've been away tending to a life reconstruction project. I'll continue to pop in from time-to-time so please don't give up on The Ranter's Box just yet. In the meantime, courtesy of Southern Blast, here is a snarky Photo of the Day:


As always, feel free to leave your comments below. Have a fantabulous week!!!

xo The Empress

Monday, October 24, 2011

You Are a Star



In the name of positivity, here is the latest music video from my dear friends Jeremy Buck & The Bang. This song is a tribute to all of those amazing people who serve others and help to make the world a better place. We all know someone like this, and perhaps you are even one of those special individuals. To each and every one of those angels who serve, I extend a heartfelt THANK YOU!

And now, without further adieu, crank up your computer speakers and enjoy:




Happy Monday my lovelies and have a joyful week!
xo The Empress


PS: Please show JB&TB some love by going to their facebook page and clicking "LIKE" or leaving some props for them down in the comments section below. Thanks!

Friday, October 21, 2011

Fun Photo of the Day


Hot off the presses, this is the latest version of the "DO NOT DISTURB" sign. It kind of brings a whole new meaning to the words Joy Stick...

Please feel free to leave your own caption for the photo down below in the comments section.

Enjoy your weekend my lovelies!
xo The Empress

Thursday, October 13, 2011

Nekkid Vampires on the Loose AGAIN


Back in August I had the pleasure of reporting on a half-naked wacked out dude who broke into a woman’s bedroom in the middle of the night and assaulted her all whilst hissing like an animal and biting her neck. However, as unbelievably freaky as that crazy vampire-like attack might have been, apparently it wasn’t a bizarre one-off incident.

In early September, 22 year old Floridian Josephine Rebecca Smith engaged in her very own version of “Vampires Gone Mad”. St. Petersburg police reported that Smith attacked a 69 year gentleman who had fallen asleep on the deserted porch of a local Hooter’s restaurant. Smith told the undoubtedly shocked senior citizen that she was a vampire and then proceeded to savagely bite him, tearing off chunks of his face as well as a part of his lip.

Fortunately the victim was able to scramble back into his motorized wheel chair and hightail it to a nearby gas station where he was then able to call the police. And thankfully, despite being someone’s drink du jour, the old man’s injuries only required stitches. He is expected to fully recover but will no doubt steer clear of blood thirsty twenty-somethings now and in the future.

Authorities later found vampire girl half-naked and covered in blood on the porch of Hooter's, claiming she didn’t remember anything about the ghoulish attack. After assessing that Smith herself had not been attacked, police arrested her and booked her on charges of aggravated assault on an elderly person. Her bail was set at US $50,000.

Clearly Little Miss Vampiress has had one too many drinks from the devil’s cup. Let’s hope she and Vampire Boy don’t hook up and spawn their own clan of mini vamps once they are finally released from the supernatural wing of their respective local psychiatric hospitals.

Happy October my lovelies!
xo The Empress

Tuesday, October 4, 2011

Fun Bags and Chips


Today's Video of the Week shines the spotlight on the legendary dumb blonde. Love her or hate her, she possesses that oh-so magical ability to always keep things interesting and amusing. Case in point:



Props to the reader who leaves the funniest caption below in the comments section.

Have a wonderful week my lovelies!
xo The Empress

Tuesday, September 27, 2011

I'm TOO Sexy for my Pants

Due to time constraints, we'll keep this post short and sweet today my lovelies and just go with a photo of the day:


"I'M TOO SEXY FOR MY PANTS"


And yes, while the photo is a wee bit rude, hopefully the image brought a bit of smile to your day. Please feel free to leave your own caption for the photo down below in the comment section.

Have a fantabulous rest of the week!
xo The Empress


Friday, September 9, 2011

Stuffing and Little Faux Hookers

The show toddlers & tiaras seems to take the brunt of disdain expressed by the public for its often shocking portrayal of the child beauty pageant world. In reality it should be the poor judgment of the shitty parents of pageant contests that should be brought into question.

First there was the mother who decided that dressing her pageant daughter up in a Dolly Parton costume complete with fake boobies was a good idea. When questioned as to what "those things" were, even the toddler knew that a three year old should not be prancing around on stage with stuffing in her bosom area.

But not to be outdone in the jackwagon department, another mother took her pageant antics to a completely new and shameful level. Case in point, check out this video clip highlighting how one woman thought that dressing her toddler up as a mini-prostitute was an appropriate and title-winning competition strategy:



What's next? Pole dancing in the the talent portion of the beauty pageant?
Totally disgusting ...I'm just saying...

Happy Weekend my lovelies! I hope you'll please excuse my sporadic appearance in the blogosphere lately. From time to time my paying job will require my full attention but please know that I miss each and every one of you while I am away. Thanks for hanging in there!!

xo The Empress

Wednesday, August 24, 2011

Fun with words – Naughty Bits Edition Part Deux

Once while waiting at an appointment I had the rare opportunity to peruse the chick magazines, you know the ones with all the silly fashion, sex and relationship advice. One particular magazine had an article featuring the pet names that couples call each other’s naughty bits. And being the word perv that I am, you know I was all over that article like bread on butter.

(***WARNING: For those of you with lily white virginal eyeballs and G-rated sensibilities, PLEASE STOP READING NOW. This post contains LOTS and LOTS of FUN NAUGHTY WORDS!!!***)

The pets names listed ranged from flattering (king kong) to amusing (dongola). However, I was very much surprised to read that one guy actually admitted to habitually referring to his partner’s lady bits as a "ham wallet" …and that he was still alive and breathing with his weiner and both balls fully intact.

There were a few other names listed for the male and female nether regions but not nearly enough to satisfy my obviously demented dirty little mind. So, I went in search of additional penis and vadge nicknames, all pervy of course, and here is what I found:

FEMALE NAUGHTY BITS – Top Half
Boobies, ta-ta’s, tits, breasticles, hooters, knockers, jugs, melons, cans, boobs, yabbos, honkers, skin sacks, rib cushions, gazongas, torpedoes, dirty pillows, pontoons, headlights, bazookas, rack, cantaloupes, twin peaks, butter bags, roundies, ottomans, sweater meat, love bubbles, boobage, and fun bags.

FEMALE NAUGHTY BITS - Bottom Half
Fur burger, meat curtain, butcher slit, fish taco, squish mitten, cooter, kitty, oyster ditch, pork steeple, meat locker, muff, hairy doughnut, spam purse, cod pouch, finger hut, poontang, whisker biscuit, tampon socket, camel toe, goop chute, fish lips, sperm sucker, hatchet wound, cum dumpster, panty taco, cock socket, Notorious V.A.G., Black & Decker pecker wrecker, twat, glory hole, beef sheath, fun hatch, and honey pot.

MALE NAUGHTY BITS
Cock-a-doodle-do, willy, schlong, main brain, prick, johnson, shaft, pecker, boner, dong, knob, woody, chubby, magic wand, pork sword, stiffy, tool, phallus, kitty massager, sausage, wang, pocket rocket, trouser snake, vadge slayer, ding dong, john thomas, one-eyed wonder worm, tube steak, family jewels, skin flute, pee-pee, mutton dagger, purple helmet, rooster, twig, weiner, disco stick, blow pole, tallywacker, meat whistle, and bologna pony.

And now that I have further corrupted all of your saintly minds, please go forth and have an amazingly fantabulous week!
xo The Empress


PS: Please feel free to leave your own favorite names for naughty bits in the comment section below. You get extra points for creativity and vulgarity!

Monday, August 22, 2011

Car No Go


After experiencing a recent and rather shocking case of extremely poor customer service, I thought I would share it with you because that is what we often do here at The Ranter’s Box. We rant and take the piss at stupid human behavior and/or businesses that have no business providing so-called service to the general public.

Today’s rant features shitty customer service at the car wash. Following is a recap of the rather unfortunate event:

• Drive perfectly-functioning vehicle to the local carwash for a deluxe wash and wax.

• Request type of car wash and hand keys over to semi-literate car wash attendant.

• Go inside shop to pay and then wait outside for 30 glorious minutes in the sunshine.

• Start to wonder what in the heck is taking (daft) car washers so long to wash such a teeny tiny vehicle.

• See vehicle pop out the end of the car wash area and sigh a bit of relief …temporarily.

• Notice large sumo wrestler is driving vehicle with two other car wash attendants laughing and pushing vehicle like it is a clown car.

• Car wash attendants commence with drying and polishing vehicle so not too concerned but make note to self that tip should reflect their somewhat inappropriate conduct.

• Head over to vehicle when car wash attendants signal vehicle is ready.

• Inquire as to why car wash attendants were joking around and using vehicle like a toy.

• (Stupid) attendant replies “Car No Go”.

• To which The Empress responds “What do you mean, car no go?”

• “Car no go. Car broken”, they reply.

• By this point The Empress is NOT amused and asks to speak with the manager.

• Partially literate ‘manager’ turns up and says that the car is “dead” and suggests that The Empress contact a mobile mechanic.

• “What do you mean the car is dead? It was running perfectly fine when I drove it up here and handed you my car keys thirty minutes ago. I do not recall delivering the vehicle to you on a flatbed truck, so what exactly did you do to my car?” The Empress demanded.

• Smart-ass but obviously incredibly dumb manager fails to take any responsibility, despite the crowd of customers that are all starting to wonder what in the frick is going on and hoping they aren't next.

• On the verge of going kung-fu on their moronic asses, The Empress tells them that they had better fix whatever the hell they did to jack up the vehicle and do it PRONTO!

• Semi-intelligent car wash attendant shows up with a portable battery charger box and actually manages to get the vehicle running in a matter of seconds, prompting The Empress to wonder why they didn't bother doing this before turning the vehicle back over to her ...OR before she found out in the first place.

• The Empress takes possession of the vehicle and tells the stupid pack of jackasses that she will never use their shitty car wash again and drives off giving them a well deserved one finger salute!

MORAL OF THE STORY: (1) Never knowingly turn your beloved vehicle over to a half-witted sumo wrestler and his two imbecile sidekicks and expect said vehicle to be returned to you in its original condition. (2) And steer clear of Beacon Bay Car Wash(es). They SUCK big sweaty, hairy, smelly donkey balls!


Happy Monday my lovelies!
xo The Empress

Friday, August 19, 2011

I Vant to Suck Yor Blood



It’s obvious that someone has had one too many bowls of Count Chocula or watched far too many episodes of those blood sucking vampire dramas on TV. This week police officials in Galveston, Texas reported that (an obviously mentally disturbed) 19-year old “drakul” wanna-be named Lyle Monroe Bensley broke into a woman’s apartment and proceeded to hiss and growl whilst biting and hitting her in her bed.

Thankfully the woman escaped unharmed from her vampy assailant. Police later found Bensley all but naked in parking lot sporting only his tattoos, body piercings and a pair of boxer shorts. Galveston Police Captain Jeff Heyse reported that upon apprehension, nosferatu boy claimed that he was “a 500 year old vampire that needed to feed”.

Currently Bensley is reportedly being held in the Galveston County Jail on a charge of home burglary with intent to commit a felony. Hopefully his next stop will be a nice padded room in the local psychiatric hospital…

Happy Friday my lovelies!
xo The Empress

Monday, August 15, 2011

They said WHAT???


It can be a rather interesting exercise to read employees’ often bizarre and/or entertaining responses to questionnaires describing their jobs. The following comments were made in writing by real life public sector workers when asked about their job duties and position requirements:


At times I am asked to move mountains and raise the dead

The criminal justice system would come to a screeching halt if my position didn’t exist

Must be able to fight and wrestle individuals

Oversee the installation of school flashers

Transport prisoner dogs when officers make arrests for drunk driving

Subjected to terroristic threats from citizens

Exposure to fly infestations and huge dead rats” (note: office job)

Must be able to handle extreme hot and cold attitudes generated by coworkers and the public

Subjected to name calling and chair slinging

Physical requirements: fingerprinting and unlocking the bean hole

Assume responsibility for the department’s petty cash and coke funds” (note: police clerk)

Extraordinary working conditions: loss of appendages

Job duties: reporting to work sober and on time

Sometimes there are just words with no details and I have no clue what to do

Bonus Questionnaire Word of the Day: “ANNISHITIVE”

The questionnaires were all reviewed and signed-off by each of the workers’ direct superiors, further highlighting why exactly so many governmental agencies are jacked up, ineffective, and a huge waste of taxpayer revenue.


Happy Monday my lovelies and watch out for those school flashers and huge rats in the work place!
xo The Empress

Wednesday, August 10, 2011

Strange Addictions- Diaper Edition

Just when you think you've seen and heard it all, along comes another fascinating human being that makes you pause and say "WTF?" Case in point, check out this video clip featuring Riley who is addicted to being an adult baby.

For you impatient souls (like me) who want to just skip ahead to the juicy part (literally) then fast forward to around 2:25 where Riley tells the world just how much she loves the comforting feeling of having a "warm wet diaper":



It's probably a safe bet to say that there isn't any hanky panky happening up in that crib!


Happy Hump Day my lovelies and thanks for being patient while I have been away tending to life outside of the blogosphere.

xo The Empress

Monday, July 25, 2011

Busy Bee, that's Me!


Hello my lovelies! Apologies for neglecting you all. Please know that I miss each and every one of you. Right now personal and professional responsibilities are requiring my immediate attention. I'm very much looking forward to being able to catch up on reading all of your wonderful blogs and hope to be able to do so in the near future. When I resurface I also promise to bestow you all with the usual snarkiness to which you have grown accustomed. Until then, I hope you have an amazing week!!

xo The Empress

Wednesday, July 20, 2011

Empress Etiquette: Underwear Edition


When spending the day at a very public and well populated beach, it is NEVER acceptable for a fully grown member of the male species to strip off his kit all the way down to his tighty whities, dive into the ocean, and then proceed to play a vigorous game of Frisbee all whilst wearing completely see-thru white underwear and running to and fro in ankle deep water.

So Attention All Male Offenders: No one wants to have their beautiful ocean scenery jacked up by repeatedly seeing some dude’s nasty wet butt crack or disgusting hairy ball sack bounce in and out of view. Please keep your man junk covered or stay the heck home! That is all.

Happy Hump Day my lovelies!
xo The Empress

Monday, July 18, 2011

Things that SUCK: Car Alarm Edition


After a gawd-awful week and a half of having to listen to this shit, I can’t think of anything more annoying than the sound of a psychotic car alarm with a very bad case of Tourette’s. Currently myself and some of the other sleep deprived neighbors are seriously thinking of taking a grenade launcher to the offending vehicle in question. Doing so may be our only hope towards restoring some much needed peace and quiet to the neighborhood. Apparently the management over at the ghetto property where the vehicle is parked don’t give a rat’s ass that a screeching car alarm is going off day and night for hours at a time. And clearly neither does the Barney Fife wanna-be security guard over at the property or the inconsiderate jackwagon who owns the vehicle that sounds something like this:




Happy Monday my lovelies and may you enjoy a serene and blissful week!
xo The Empress

Wednesday, July 13, 2011

It's Happy Dance Time!


Yesterday I was as giddy as a school girl when I discovered the follower count here at The Ranter's Box hit the 300 mark! A big shout-out goes to Byakuya over at Hilarious Images for officially becoming the 300th reader. If you aren't familiar then head on over, have a gander, show some blog love, and make a new friend or two.

In the meantime, check out this wee video that encompasses the spirit of just how happy I am to know that after a year you guys keep coming back for more snarkiness and that our little bloggy family continues to grow (but hopefully grow in a way that is different than the trouser snake in this dude's undies):




And for all you loyal man readers' out there, just pretend this is me dancing in some sexy lingerie or a bikini. Also, I have absolutely no idea what the heck this video is meant to be advertising but it seems like a good example of a happy dance all the same.

Happy Hump Day my lovelies!
xo The Empress

Sunday, July 10, 2011

Say goodbye to pillow humping

Having no real intention to play Blogosphere Sexologist today, I was rather surprised to have come across this rather questionable canine product:



Now after watching that video I couldn't help but wonder:
  • What kind of twisted individual thinks to invent a device like this?
  • What sort of  sick and raunchy stuff did they get up to in the Hot Doll Research & Development Lab when they were developing this product?
  • Who is responsible for cleaning off Fido's love doll after he engages in a nice little hump fest?

Have a great week my lovelies!
xo The Empress

Tuesday, July 5, 2011

Veggies and Shit Storms


It’s rather interesting to discover which types of blog posts illicit the most comments and even outright fury by some readers. Back in the early days of my blogging, one of my favorite bloggers ‘The Bitchy Waiter’ posted something about vegetarians*. That particular post made me realize that something as mundane and innocuous as vegetables could spark a blogging shit storm of major proportions.

Yes, you read that correctly. Vegetables. Category 5 shit storm. Readers were leaving quite lengthy and fascinating comments supporting their case for OR against being a vegetarian. Now I like a spirited debate as much as the next person but the situation quickly veered off track and started to get ugly.

The mud-slinging and casting of sticks and stones was beyond epic. And to be truthful, somewhat entertaining. Some anonymous douche canoe crossed over the line and wrote a derogatory racial comment that had positively no relevance to the topic at hand. Another person alluded to some nonsense about vegetarians not being cable of having orgasms. And as to be expected, there were guilt inducing comments that had incredibly heavy political or moral undertones.

Being a vegetarian, I of course had to share my two cents as well. I totally get that there are some wacky and sanctimonious vegans and vegetarians out there who constantly climb up on their rickety-ass soap boxes and chastise anyone who dares to consume meat. Those types of annoying and holier than thou crack pots get on my nerves too. But not all vegetarians are like that. I for one am most certainly not.

Basically I was born a vegetarian. I eat normal food just minus any sort of meat. This is because I do not enjoy the taste, texture or even smell of meat. Eating meat does not agree with my body and therefore I do not eat anything that has a face. It is as simple as that.

However, not eating meat is where I draw the line. I am not a vegan and have zero desire to venture over into that territory. If other people choose a lifestyle of veganism then good on them. I happen to love the yummy deliciousness that is otherwise known as cheese, yogurt and ice cream far too much to ever imagine my life without them.

With that being said, I admit that when it comes to going out to eat the process is generally a major pain in the ass for a vegetarian. This because there are usually very few desirable choices on the menu for a vegetarian. But then why should a restaurant have to cater to me and my individual food preferences? They shouldn't.

And as for those gross little eating establishments that cater to vegans and vegetarians, I absolutely 100% avoid them like the plague. For some strange reason their menu selections tend to consist of creepy sounding ingredients and abnormally high concentrations of garlic, to which I am highly allergic.

But big deal. I go out to eat and share meals with others because I enjoy the company of those involved. I can always order a salad minus the meat or even better have dessert instead! If my dinner companions want to eat ginormous, bloody raw steaks then more power to them.

This perspective comes from understanding and appreciating that there are many people who (unlike me) just so happen to salivate over big honking slabs of juicy roasted meat. I on the other hand just so happen to drool over chocolate cupcakes and designer handbags. And yes, many of those lovely purses just so happen to be made out of leather.

But in the grand scheme of things who really cares? Maybe if more people focused on finding common ground with others instead of looking for the things that could potentially divide them, then perhaps the world would be a happier place. …I’m just saying…

Happy Monday my lovelies!
xo The Empress


*This particular post was also how I became acquainted with my dear bloggy friend Mrs. Hyde over at 'A Bitch Called Mom'. Go check her out if you aren't already familiar. She is incredibly fun to read!

Wednesday, June 29, 2011

Complaint Letters: Bad Neighbors Edition


Dear New Neighbors from Hell,

While I appreciate that you were obviously raised in some backwoods, nasty and uncivilized manner where consideration for others was never instilled, here in the civilized world we decent human beings generally behave far less selfishly and disruptively than you have chosen to conduct yourselves thus far.

One can only imagine how incredibly exciting it must be for you to finally have amazing new inventions such as electricity, running water, and washing machines inside your dwelling. However, please note that their mere existence doesn’t mean that you should run your washer for 36 hours straight, turn your shower on and off repeatedly throughout the day like some crazy obsessive compulsive knob heads, or blast your annoying base pumping stereo into the wee hours of the night.

The reason security was called to your apartment for noise complaints three times in one night and again the next morning was because you are rude and inconsiderate assholes.

And while we are on the subject of noise, enough already with your Tourette’s style obsession with slamming doors, windows, cupboards and drawers. You now live in a place where you share walls with other human beings. It constantly sounds as if a herd of bulls is loudly ransacking your apartment. Please quiet the hell down and show some consideration for the people that live above and beside you.

On another note, it is completely understandable that clueless former cave-dwellers such as yourselves are totally chuffed to now have actual cooking appliances inside a real and properly functioning kitchen. This must be a huge change from the open fire pits you are accustomed to using for roasting your possums and other road kill. And as exciting as those cooking appliances must be for you to use, please note that your stove has a magic button that you press to turn on its exhaust fan. This fan helps eliminate some of the horrific stench that permeates into your neighbors’ apartments every time you cook up one of your disgusting kimchi-chitlin-dog meat-rotten trash concoctions. Please for the love of gawd, use your exhaust fan lest you stink us all out of house and home.

And last but by no means least, while I appreciate that you are heavy, compulsive chain smokers who clearly go through cases of cigarettes each day, your constant smoking outside your front door and out on your patio means that your neighbors can no longer open any of their windows, use their balconies, or even enter and exit their homes without being subjected to your foul-smelling and dangerous smoke. Second hand smoke kills and no one has a right to endanger the health of others just because they have a nasty and dangerous habit. So please stop filling the inside of your neighbors' apartments with smoke and poisoning us with your cancer causing cigarettes before I run your scummy asses back to the hillbilly shack from which you came.

This is your first and final warning you inconsiderate jacktards. Don’t make me tell you again!

Regards,
The Empress

Monday, June 27, 2011

WTF - Walmart Edition


There always seem to be plenty of tales and comments circulating about the incredibly bizarre fashions people wear whilst shopping at Walmart. I've even personally joked about someday wanting to dress up in my sexy police lady costume and pretend to arrest random people for shoplifting at Walmart. However, after seeing the lingerie, ill-fitting clothing, exposed butt cracks/cheeks, and other atrocious get-up's in the video below, I seriously doubt that purposely choosing to wear a Halloween costume to Walmart would even garner a second glance from their shoppers:



Perhaps Walmart might want to seriously consider instituting a dress code for shoppers. It is rather obvious that some of their patrons are completely clueless when it comes to determining what is appropriate (or NOT) for wearing whilst in public places.


Have a fantabulous week my lovelies!
xo The Empress